Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
