Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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