There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
MIDGETS
????
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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