they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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