i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
