Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
