it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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