I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
