High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
