She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
