Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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