Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
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