Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
She told me I should be a condom model.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
