i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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