i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
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