he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Randomize
