She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
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