My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Randomize
