if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Randomize
