I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
