All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
