Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
