Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
