just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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