Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
