I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i drank out of a bidet.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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