I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
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just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
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Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
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