I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
