i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I'm too high and old for this...
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Randomize
