You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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