Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Come on in and take your pants off
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