8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
