My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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