apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
