i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
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