Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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