A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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