you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
