thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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