I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
