Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Randomize
