somebody snuck up and got me drunk
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Randomize