I'm pants shitting drunk right now
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
