dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
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