so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
