Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Randomize
