I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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