I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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