So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
