The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
