I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
