Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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