i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
