break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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