ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
