Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
