We named our party play list daddy issues
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
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