I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
