A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Randomize
