I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
