I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
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