god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
