she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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